Already 2018 and dayum, its already the beginning of spring.
Well what happend the last weeks n months? I can tell you~ First i got ill as the new year began pretty much with the bounce into it. So i didnt had a good bump into it but still survived it. Next to this, i kinda lose motivation for nearly everything nowadays since i duno actually why. Xmas was "ok" i guess, nothing to special but still nice to had the family around ya.
Now sure i also had the "final" talk with my old friend(s) i wrote so often now about and im kinda glad to say that came finally to an end. Not a good one but a real one. To keep it short, i gave it one single try to get in touch with him viva email, that he still owns me stuff AND a said talk so that we "should clear things up".
The talk i had with him was sure nice and im glad we actually "could" talk about this but he had from the very beginning a pretty negative "i dont care" attitude. Meaning with this, i would have given this friendship sure another try somewhat - of course, it wouldnt be all the same, ignoring the fact stuff happend and like - but he was like totally against it. The sad truth about is that, again (and he knows it...), even if he said no he still tried to poke stuff out of me (like beginning a friendly talk about my new Nintendo Switch and TF2 stuff) like nothing happend. I told him, this is not the moment either the time to talk about such stuff if he wanna end it here and now with me.
I took my time to look down at this talk for some weeks and moments and at the end, it was as i said already so often.
I more or less lost my friend coz hes now a member of a community i dont fit in. Sure thats not all but one of the reasons. Another reason is that, again, hes in this "bee-hive" behavor i often talked about. He often said again "we" in the talk, brought in his other friend or others which were totally against me in the Team Speak server but didnt had the eggs to tell me - i already told them they should shame themselves.
Again, thats not all the reasons but if i just look back at those, i duno why he did this to himself. He littley thrown our friendship in this talk out of the window, gave me the feeling i would be a "such a bad person" like a criminal and even compared with one of his older "ex" friends which did a lot shit on him - he said im not "as bad as him" but still, did he even image how hard such stuff can hit someone?
At the end, i told him he should take his time and talk with his other friend (i mean they were both 2 friends of mine) and that we might talk about this between 6 eyes next - This talk never happend.
I gave him sometime to think about this said 2nd talk we should make but already at this moment i knew it would never happen, i gave him around 1 1/2 months time to come back to me with his friend so we could talk about it but then i wrote him an email, telling him i "waited" long enough (i didnt wait, i just had to tell him) about this 2nd talk and i actually gave up this friendship now in total.
Again, i already thought this 2nd talk would never happen and i gave up after the last talk i had with him. He already gave up on me way to early and i didnt saw a chance to get over it with that way. Did i jinxed it? Kinda yes.
Back to the 2nd talk which never happend, he told me he talked with his friend about this offer i made about this 2nd talk but he (so his friend now) said "its all talked about" and they dont need said 2nd talkround.
Actually, they sure would have needed it. I cant force them and i dont want to anymore anyways..
As i said, they gave me up, quite litterly.
Am i mad now? No. I got my answers and i understood why this might happen but that he actually gave me up that fast and quickly without a reason next to "it happend" was something i never thought of. Again, we talked about the stuff which happend and he had to admit that a lot things happend already before the actual stuff which let the bomb blow up so that i had to leave them last summer - and i also told him he cant blame me for anything around this time.
I changed for this friendship, i took hits on me and tried to ignor the fact that they (talking about my 2 friends here) dont know what happend or how i feel. Till last summer i had to keep silence till i couldnt take it anymore and let the bomb blow up. Was it a good moment? I say "yes" coz now i only see how they were thinking. Next to this one of their friends actually still told me stuff about them. No he was not a "mole" or something and i didnt beg him to spy on them - i even told him to stop but it looked just like he wanted me to "try". I will not name this person here and shame him but i have to say, you might tried to help me but still, i was not the one here. It was the wrong moment for the wrong thing in the right time still.
So whats the end of the story?
We broke up. totally. there is no "we" anymore, only me and "them" - nothing between me and "them". We go on our own ways now without each other. Thats the end of the story.
Am i happy about it?
No im sure not but i handle it. I got my answers i needed. I just have to deal with the fact that my friends thrown out years of a good friendship out of the window, litterly.
How would you wish it would have ended?
Maybe the song up there might already pokes at how i wished for myself how it would have ended. In honesty. I hated it so much as he told me about the things which came out in the talk he hide away from me and that i already said i dont know how often that we should talk about such stuff.
Communicate. Its just not a word, it should be used. And we barely did.
At the end, i try to tell me so often in my mind it might be better that way but i hardly can belive that it will be the best. I sure "try" to deal with them but then some people tease me with it and "want" me to try it again.
Again, im not a warrior who keeps on fighting for something. If you want to compare me with something then im more a rouge - the sneaky guy who waits for his chance and strikes fast and hard. Got that? So please people, dont play here the friendship-hotline, its over and i can deal with it. It is just sad to see how my friends changed. Can i blame me for that? No, i cant. One of my friends went silent, the other one hide himself now in a community of people below his IQ.
So with that written down, the story of a good friendship finally ends here and now.
I dont see a reason i should give it another try. i tried so often the last weeks and even in the last talk we had he was the person who gave up, not me. If i would meet him/them again, i might just would say "hi" if not even nothing - of respect to myself...
*closes this book*