--- Hiho on the ANUM CHAOS - Blog from Walter A. --- Here you will read stuff i make around Anum Chaos, writting stuff about life and co. --- Enjoy your stay! ---

Tuesday, October 08, 2019

Just a quick post

I know i should post here more often but for now i just post a quick update whats going on over all:

I got a new PC (a real one) on which i create now most of my stuff like my art, games and music (IF i do create them).

I mostyl draw digital nowadays with traditional scatch, scanning it up and digital coloring.

healthwise, it "works". i still dont feel "good" but better than before for sure.

Stay tuned guys ^^

Monday, November 26, 2018

Was a good year so far

Since its pretty much nearly the end of 2018 (even if there is still a month to go) I can say, so far, it was a good year. I sure learned a lot, found some new stuff and got better in the stuff im doing.

- I want from traditional art to digital (stillnto full digital) art as one sample. I sure try to keep my traditional touch and i might draw some traditional art from time to time but i can proudly say i enjoy the digital art so far, even if im still learning and i know i will never be a "super man" in the digital artwork stuff.

- I created some very good games and learned how to create better and easier "random" games. Srsly, the games i made THIS year (or updated this year) are pretty good if i can say that myself.

- I began to change the style of my Blog (as you can see) and my main page. I turned them into a more 80s, synthwave style, a style i personal enjoy. A bit fancy for sure but i enjoy it heh.

So all i can say, i also feel good now, at least a bit better. I sure still have health problems but i try to work on that. My Laptop also had some problems the last weeks but i "think" its ok now. At least i hope so coz if not i have to change some ways but we will see.

Stay tuned!

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

An ending of a good story going bad

Already 2018 and dayum, its already the beginning of spring.
Well what happend the last weeks n months? I can tell you~ First i got ill as the new year began pretty much with the bounce into it. So i didnt had a good bump into it but still survived it. Next to this, i kinda lose motivation for nearly everything nowadays since i duno actually why. Xmas was "ok" i guess, nothing to special but still nice to had the family around ya.

Now sure i also had the "final" talk with my old friend(s) i wrote so often now about and im kinda glad to say that came finally to an end. Not a good one but a real one. To keep it short, i gave it one single try to get in touch with him viva email, that he still owns me stuff AND a said talk so that we "should clear things up".

The talk i had with him was sure nice and im glad we actually "could" talk about this but he had from the very beginning a pretty negative "i dont care" attitude. Meaning with this, i would have given this friendship sure another try somewhat - of course, it wouldnt be all the same, ignoring the fact stuff happend and like - but he was like totally against it. The sad truth about is that, again (and he knows it...), even if he said no he still tried to poke stuff out of me (like beginning a friendly talk about my new Nintendo Switch and TF2 stuff) like nothing happend. I told him, this is not the moment either the time to talk about such stuff if he wanna end it here and now with me.

I took my time to look down at this talk for some weeks and moments and at the end, it was as i said already so often.

I more or less lost my friend coz hes now a member of a community i dont fit in. Sure thats not all but one of the reasons. Another reason is that, again, hes in this "bee-hive" behavor i often talked about. He often said again "we" in the talk, brought in his other friend or others which were totally against me in the Team Speak server but didnt had the eggs to tell me - i already told them they should shame themselves.

Again, thats not all the reasons but if i just look back at those, i duno why he did this to himself. He littley thrown our friendship in this talk out of the window, gave me the feeling i would be a "such a bad person" like a criminal and even compared with one of his older "ex" friends which did a lot shit on him - he said im not "as bad as him" but still, did he even image how hard such stuff can hit someone?

At the end, i told him he should take his time and talk with his other friend (i mean they were both 2 friends of mine) and that we might talk about this between 6 eyes next - This talk never happend.
I gave him sometime to think about this said 2nd talk we should make but already at this moment i knew it would never happen, i gave him around 1 1/2 months time to come back to me with his friend so we could talk about it but then i wrote him an email, telling him i "waited" long enough (i didnt wait, i just had to tell him) about this 2nd talk and i actually gave up this friendship now in total.

Again, i already thought this 2nd talk would never happen and i gave up after the last talk i had with him. He already gave up on me way to early and i didnt saw a chance to get over it with that way. Did i jinxed it? Kinda yes.

Back to the 2nd talk which never happend, he told me he talked with his friend about this offer i made about this 2nd talk but he (so his friend now) said "its all talked about" and they dont need said 2nd talkround.

Actually, they sure would have needed it. I cant force them and i dont want to anymore anyways..
As i said, they gave me up, quite litterly.

Am i mad now? No. I got my answers and i understood why this might happen but that he actually gave me up that fast and quickly without a reason next to "it happend" was something i never thought of. Again, we talked about the stuff which happend and he had to admit that a lot things happend already before the actual stuff which let the bomb blow up so that i had to leave them last summer - and i also told him he cant blame me for anything around this time.

I changed for this friendship, i took hits on me and tried to ignor the fact that they (talking about my 2 friends here) dont know what happend or how i feel. Till last summer i had to keep silence till i couldnt take it anymore and let the bomb blow up. Was it a good moment? I say "yes" coz now i only see how they were thinking. Next to this one of their friends actually still told me stuff about them. No he was not a "mole" or something and i didnt beg him to spy on them - i even told him to stop but it looked just like he wanted me to "try". I will not name this person here and shame him but i have to say, you might tried to help me but still, i was not the one here. It was the wrong moment for the wrong thing in the right time still.

So whats the end of the story?
We broke up. totally. there is no "we" anymore, only me and "them" - nothing between me and "them". We go on our own ways now without each other. Thats the end of the story.

Am i happy about it?
No im sure not but i handle it. I got my answers i needed. I just have to deal with the fact that my friends thrown out years of a good friendship out of the window, litterly.

How would you wish it would have ended?
Maybe the song up there might already pokes at how i wished for myself how it would have ended. In honesty. I hated it so much as he told me about the things which came out in the talk he hide away from me and that i already said i dont know how often that we should talk about such stuff.

Communicate. Its just not a word, it should be used. And we barely did.

At the end, i try to tell me so often in my mind it might be better that way but i hardly can belive that it will be the best. I sure "try" to deal with them but then some people tease me with it and "want" me to try it again.

Again, im not a warrior who keeps on fighting for something. If you want to compare me with something then im more a rouge - the sneaky guy who waits for his chance and strikes fast and hard. Got that? So please people, dont play here the friendship-hotline, its over and i can deal with it. It is just sad to see how my friends changed. Can i blame me for that? No, i cant. One of my friends went silent, the other one hide himself now in a community of people below his IQ.

So with that written down, the story of a good friendship finally ends here and now.
I dont see a reason i should give it another try. i tried so often the last weeks and even in the last talk we had he was the person who gave up, not me. If i would meet him/them again, i might just would say "hi" if not even nothing - of respect to myself...

*closes this book*

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Time changes a man and the people around him

The time runs by and stuff changed. It also changed me a bit and how stuff worked out. My last journal told you guys that i actually feel good and i kinda "give a sheat" about my old friends. They didnt care even ones to excuse or contact me so far. As i also said, i dont "wait" for them but its just a shame they dont do ANYTHING. Im not mad, i dont wait for it but you can see there they really just used me over the years. I mean, if they would have been my friends, they would already contacted me at least ONES over the months dont you think~?

Again, i dont wait for them to do so since i have better things to do and work on, like on my health. Right now, its already past 3 AM here and i write this down just for the fact to write that i work on a lot stuff, soon as sample, i try to work on my health problems which got more and more worse. I also thought about to finally move forward with other stuff.

Art-wise i also think im getting better and better :3 a lot people actually enjoy it and even play my mini-games i create. Game-wise i stull have to much on steam and play with my other friends which contacted me after i left my "ex" friends. They actually do care of me since they even sended me medecine as i was sick some weeks ago XD this crasy bastards heheheh ^^ But yea, so far, life is smooth and good with me even if im still not able to work, i try to do my best, even useless "flamewars" with my dad didnt happen (at least NOT so) much the last months, we began to work on stuff together and even talk about thinks and help each other. So yea, im kinda happy now the way it is. I sure wish at least my old "ex" friends would excuse them but since they give a fuck about me i dont see that will happen that soon. One of them is eat´n up from the others logic, said other one is eat´n up by his faked honor and butthurtness. This is something we should call "leave them that way".

With that said i hope this will be a great winter time for me ^^

Thursday, August 03, 2017

Actually im feeling great now!

Finally a prositive post after all the shit what was going on in the last posts!

Yea, honestly, since i have no contact with my friend since the full month now i actually feel pretty good and even more relaxed then ever. To give a full view of the situation now: As i said, i tried to talk to him but i gave it a rest and talked with a 3rd person about him, another friend from him and told him i will NOT poke him or talk to him ones-so-ever coz i wait till he makes now the first step.

In other words: i dont do a thing till he comes and says a thing.

Till this very moment, he didnt and all "his" other friends which are still on my friendlist also didnt contacted me ones about this shit which happend.

But again, since this shit happend, i actually feel pretty good. I do a lot more stuff next to just sitting here in front of my Laptop. I actually enjoy even a lot good musics now again and some games like "Death Road to Canada" for me alone. About drawing well, we know how it is, if you have a idea you draw it and if not well you dont XD

But yea, i feel great just a bit tired sometimes since the weather here is..."wierd". I will not say not, "thank you that you left me my dear friend" but when i think about that i never had such "relief" in YEARS....it just feels good to sit here, relax a bit and humming to some good tunes with my dog next to me who just want me to throw a ball hehehe. But yea- Just wanted to give hands-up how things work out for me.

Should my "old friend" read that, im not waiting if you contact me or not, this is up to you and not to me. If you should never contact me again or if you dont even thought about to contact me, i actually dont mind anymore. I feel now very good and i dont want to ruin this feelings.

Sunday, July 02, 2017

Oh boi!

After all what i actually wrote in the last post back in march, i slowly doubt at the friendship i have with my said friends and actually wasnt feeling any better the months after i actually wrote my post.
I talked with my friend about that but it didnt made the problems any better, tbh, it made them more or less worse.

Right now, i deleted ONE of my friends, the one who has a problem about understanding a good dang reason, from my friendslist of steam since he compaired our friendship with a game of Uno. I tried to talk about that to with him but at the end i tried to come down and talk with him another day or in a month maybe. Today i just saw him again playing a game i actually recommended to play with him and the others - problem here: without me.

Sure i did a backflip about that and just give it a break now. the situation reminds me of a older part of me where i actually recommended stuff like games or movies to people which i could enjoy with them together but sadly ending that they enjoy it with someone else, my brother did that and some other friends. It was not like they didnt want me to enjoy it to, it just happend and they actually felt sorry about that.
Sadly here, my friend dont see a reason to do that and went so far that "i should go back in "my world"". Not knowing that that kinda hurted me pretty hard, i just took a deep breath and leave it that way, left him now behind, i sure raged today to and the other days but i finally think im in the position to say "i should really think why im a friend of that person, if he handles me like a 5th old-used-wheel."

I will here not make again another "im so fucking worry about my friends" post, more a think and poke about how it feels to be left totally alone by someone you trust a long time. He should know by now that i dont like that and that that freaks me out. Am i now mad? No, im not. Im again and again very very disappoined about this and that this actually happend, again.

If thats not a reason to worry about, im now also not more able to get a good job since the doctors said im "unable to work" - which means that this also pretty much bites my nervs right into the right place, giving me now sometimes hard depressions. I really should think about to to come out of this "hell´s circle" and find something what helps.

I really think i should get something new to do or friends which are there for me again. Right now, i feel like im in the very wrong place between the wrong people which has nothing better do to then sitting infront of their computers and playing games. I might will again do sport, i duno why i stoped it, guess time reasons. I still remember the good times with my ping pong friends and how good i was in this game. a shame i lost my stuff for it...

Friday, March 10, 2017

Time for a new post

With that music i kinda say hello after the long time of not writting anything. So whats new? Well In the last post i wrote i broke up with my old friends since they gave a shit. A wile later, one of them asked me to "finally" talk over the stuff. Well we did and we are friends again...

Sadly, i feel more like im "just" there. I actually shut up and dont say something about but honestly, right now i feel more alone then before. I will not say im "mad" about but if i join the TS server as sample, nothing happens, everyone is watching YT videos or ignor the fact that their "are" a lot of opinions we could do, next to this im nearly for everything open.

But insteed, they actually play games i actually dont enjoy or more or less "out of nowhere". As i said, im not mad or complain but its like they have "their" friends they play games with wile i sit in the corner and play my games. Is that bad? I duno, it feels just like i sit there like a lone nerd playing games which could be played together wile they "suddendly" play other games.

But oh well before i get into trouble, i guess we all know how that will end soon or later right~?
Meh....even if i dont like that part but dont blame me if i said so.

Anyways next to that kinda "lonelyness" i actually have some happy moments in my life. I got a nice artwork from a friend of mine from my Spy character! Yay!

Fuse by Husky-Foxgryph on DeviantArt

I really love it to be honest. Ok, i actually got a Paper mario styled Picture from my "friend" to X-Mas, its also nice and i sure enjoyed it but you guys should know how i feel about heh.

Next to that, another bad story is that i actually have health problems, as sample, right now im sitting maybe just some inche in front of the screen since i can barely see what i write. another problem is that my back hurts sometimes like crasy, another time i bleed like shit. I duno what those problems actually are but, as much as i know, i am not able to get a job coz of my "heavy health problems" right now. For how long i dont know, i dont want to stay unemployed for ever to be honest.

So i try my best to work on my health, i will talk with my doc soon about that but who cares about it anyways.

Just wish me luck.