Still exist!

 Note for myself: need to use this page way more. XD

i try to write stuff soon down. i hope.

Well i survived 2020

 I know this sounds hard but if you think about how 2020 went, its kinda a thing you can say and be proud of...somewhat at least.

Last year was a hard year for me. In september, i lost a good friend of mine coz of covid 19 which already let ME know, this shit is no joke. I think that is the problem people dont get, this virus is not a joke or something to laugh about. this virus is REAL.

Well next to this, i survived the year with no other hard loses. I try to keep my art going but its hard to do so. i have heavy health problems AND not psychological problems. Right now, my right leg hurts like crazy and is actually busted up on the lower leg side - its my old scar there which bursted open again and "runs" like crazy.

another think is my right eye right now also has some problems, kinda iches like there is something in it but i didnt found a thing in there, if it doesnt get better i might need to call a doc for that.

Well what else can i write here now on the quick note...."happy new year" maybe? I try again to keep going and getting well and better soon, just stay save everybody...

Well hello there!

I took a moment of time to write now some stuff down here the on my blog since some stuff happend around all the places here.
In real life i feel kinda fine so far but there might be some changes about my health problems soon, i HOPE good ones tbh.

Artwise, i got ideas for new art like nearly every week. Last month was Lemmings month as sample (since lemmings were created on feb 14 1991...) and i only drawn Lemmings the whole month. The big boom was a whole Lemmings poster which a fan of mine sended me in real life as hard cover poster for my wall - its really nice! ^^

Gameing wise, march 2020 has WAY to many new games to come! As for MY ideas, i got one i might try to work on soon. I dont wanna say "yet" what it is but if i can work it out, it wouuuuuldbe great. :3

I feel kinda happy right now, next to the health problems but still "good" :3

As i said in my last post i try to post here way more often and i hope i can find the time to do so.

Just a quick post

I know i should post here more often but for now i just post a quick update whats going on over all:

I got a new PC (a real one) on which i create now most of my stuff like my art, games and music (IF i do create them).

I mostyl draw digital nowadays with traditional scatch, scanning it up and digital coloring.

healthwise, it "works". i still dont feel "good" but better than before for sure.

Stay tuned guys ^^

Was a good year so far

Since its pretty much nearly the end of 2018 (even if there is still a month to go) I can say, so far, it was a good year. I sure learned a lot, found some new stuff and got better in the stuff im doing.

- I want from traditional art to digital (stillnto full digital) art as one sample. I sure try to keep my traditional touch and i might draw some traditional art from time to time but i can proudly say i enjoy the digital art so far, even if im still learning and i know i will never be a "super man" in the digital artwork stuff.

- I created some very good games and learned how to create better and easier "random" games. Srsly, the games i made THIS year (or updated this year) are pretty good if i can say that myself.

- I began to change the style of my Blog (as you can see) and my main page. I turned them into a more 80s, synthwave style, a style i personal enjoy. A bit fancy for sure but i enjoy it heh.


So all i can say, i also feel good now, at least a bit better. I sure still have health problems but i try to work on that. My Laptop also had some problems the last weeks but i "think" its ok now. At least i hope so coz if not i have to change some ways but we will see.

Stay tuned!

An ending of a good story going bad

Already 2018 and dayum, its already the beginning of spring.
Well what happend the last weeks n months? I can tell you~ First i got ill as the new year began pretty much with the bounce into it. So i didnt had a good bump into it but still survived it. Next to this, i kinda lose motivation for nearly everything nowadays since i duno actually why. Xmas was "ok" i guess, nothing to special but still nice to had the family around ya.

Now sure i also had the "final" talk with my old friend(s) i wrote so often now about and im kinda glad to say that came finally to an end. Not a good one but a real one. To keep it short, i gave it one single try to get in touch with him viva email, that he still owns me stuff AND a said talk so that we "should clear things up".

The talk i had with him was sure nice and im glad we actually "could" talk about this but he had from the very beginning a pretty negative "i dont care" attitude. Meaning with this, i would have given this friendship sure another try somewhat - of course, it wouldnt be all the same, ignoring the fact stuff happend and like - but he was like totally against it. The sad truth about is that, again (and he knows it...), even if he said no he still tried to poke stuff out of me (like beginning a friendly talk about my new Nintendo Switch and TF2 stuff) like nothing happend. I told him, this is not the moment either the time to talk about such stuff if he wanna end it here and now with me.

I took my time to look down at this talk for some weeks and moments and at the end, it was as i said already so often.

I more or less lost my friend coz hes now a member of a community i dont fit in. Sure thats not all but one of the reasons. Another reason is that, again, hes in this "bee-hive" behavor i often talked about. He often said again "we" in the talk, brought in his other friend or others which were totally against me in the Team Speak server but didnt had the eggs to tell me - i already told them they should shame themselves.

Again, thats not all the reasons but if i just look back at those, i duno why he did this to himself. He littley thrown our friendship in this talk out of the window, gave me the feeling i would be a "such a bad person" like a criminal and even compared with one of his older "ex" friends which did a lot shit on him - he said im not "as bad as him" but still, did he even image how hard such stuff can hit someone?

At the end, i told him he should take his time and talk with his other friend (i mean they were both 2 friends of mine) and that we might talk about this between 6 eyes next - This talk never happend.
I gave him sometime to think about this said 2nd talk we should make but already at this moment i knew it would never happen, i gave him around 1 1/2 months time to come back to me with his friend so we could talk about it but then i wrote him an email, telling him i "waited" long enough (i didnt wait, i just had to tell him) about this 2nd talk and i actually gave up this friendship now in total.

Again, i already thought this 2nd talk would never happen and i gave up after the last talk i had with him. He already gave up on me way to early and i didnt saw a chance to get over it with that way. Did i jinxed it? Kinda yes.

Back to the 2nd talk which never happend, he told me he talked with his friend about this offer i made about this 2nd talk but he (so his friend now) said "its all talked about" and they dont need said 2nd talkround.

Actually, they sure would have needed it. I cant force them and i dont want to anymore anyways..
As i said, they gave me up, quite litterly.

Am i mad now? No. I got my answers and i understood why this might happen but that he actually gave me up that fast and quickly without a reason next to "it happend" was something i never thought of. Again, we talked about the stuff which happend and he had to admit that a lot things happend already before the actual stuff which let the bomb blow up so that i had to leave them last summer - and i also told him he cant blame me for anything around this time.

I changed for this friendship, i took hits on me and tried to ignor the fact that they (talking about my 2 friends here) dont know what happend or how i feel. Till last summer i had to keep silence till i couldnt take it anymore and let the bomb blow up. Was it a good moment? I say "yes" coz now i only see how they were thinking. Next to this one of their friends actually still told me stuff about them. No he was not a "mole" or something and i didnt beg him to spy on them - i even told him to stop but it looked just like he wanted me to "try". I will not name this person here and shame him but i have to say, you might tried to help me but still, i was not the one here. It was the wrong moment for the wrong thing in the right time still.

So whats the end of the story?
We broke up. totally. there is no "we" anymore, only me and "them" - nothing between me and "them". We go on our own ways now without each other. Thats the end of the story.

Am i happy about it?
No im sure not but i handle it. I got my answers i needed. I just have to deal with the fact that my friends thrown out years of a good friendship out of the window, litterly.

How would you wish it would have ended?
Maybe the song up there might already pokes at how i wished for myself how it would have ended. In honesty. I hated it so much as he told me about the things which came out in the talk he hide away from me and that i already said i dont know how often that we should talk about such stuff.

Communicate. Its just not a word, it should be used. And we barely did.


At the end, i try to tell me so often in my mind it might be better that way but i hardly can belive that it will be the best. I sure "try" to deal with them but then some people tease me with it and "want" me to try it again.

Again, im not a warrior who keeps on fighting for something. If you want to compare me with something then im more a rouge - the sneaky guy who waits for his chance and strikes fast and hard. Got that? So please people, dont play here the friendship-hotline, its over and i can deal with it. It is just sad to see how my friends changed. Can i blame me for that? No, i cant. One of my friends went silent, the other one hide himself now in a community of people below his IQ.


So with that written down, the story of a good friendship finally ends here and now.
I dont see a reason i should give it another try. i tried so often the last weeks and even in the last talk we had he was the person who gave up, not me. If i would meet him/them again, i might just would say "hi" if not even nothing - of respect to myself...

*closes this book*

Time changes a man and the people around him

The time runs by and stuff changed. It also changed me a bit and how stuff worked out. My last journal told you guys that i actually feel good and i kinda "give a sheat" about my old friends. They didnt care even ones to excuse or contact me so far. As i also said, i dont "wait" for them but its just a shame they dont do ANYTHING. Im not mad, i dont wait for it but you can see there they really just used me over the years. I mean, if they would have been my friends, they would already contacted me at least ONES over the months dont you think~?

Again, i dont wait for them to do so since i have better things to do and work on, like on my health. Right now, its already past 3 AM here and i write this down just for the fact to write that i work on a lot stuff, soon as sample, i try to work on my health problems which got more and more worse. I also thought about to finally move forward with other stuff.

Art-wise i also think im getting better and better :3 a lot people actually enjoy it and even play my mini-games i create. Game-wise i stull have to much on steam and play with my other friends which contacted me after i left my "ex" friends. They actually do care of me since they even sended me medecine as i was sick some weeks ago XD this crasy bastards heheheh ^^ But yea, so far, life is smooth and good with me even if im still not able to work, i try to do my best, even useless "flamewars" with my dad didnt happen (at least NOT so) much the last months, we began to work on stuff together and even talk about thinks and help each other. So yea, im kinda happy now the way it is. I sure wish at least my old "ex" friends would excuse them but since they give a fuck about me i dont see that will happen that soon. One of them is eat´n up from the others logic, said other one is eat´n up by his faked honor and butthurtness. This is something we should call "leave them that way".

With that said i hope this will be a great winter time for me ^^